Levi Deatrick

You’ve probably heard someone say something like “Hollywood doesn’t know what real love is!” Or “some people think they have fallen in love, but they have really just fallen into lust.” I’ve heard people say “I just don’t love them anymore!” and others have said “you don’t fall out of love if it is genuine love.” These statements all reveal a partial understanding of multiple nuances of love.

I’ve been thinking on this much lately. Even after almost 25 years of marriage, I want to better understand marriage. I want to “dwell with her according to knowledge.” I want to be able to explain marital love to my children, and more than just the “facts of life” and “birds and the bees.”

I’m convinced that an understanding of the different nuances of love will help many marriages whether they are starting out, in mid-life, or even those that have hit the “growing old together” stage.

The Greek language (the original language of the New Testament) has three primary words for love between a man and a woman: eraoe, phileoe, and agapaoe. The first one is not used in the N.T., but it is used in several forms in the Septuagint (the Greek translation of the Hebrew Old Testament which Jesus and His apostles would have used and quoted). The second and the third words are normal New Testament ideas. Of all three of these words which I’m going to explain, please understand that I’m dealing more with root ideas which are manifested in multiple parts of speech in the Greek language. I’ll post them in the verb form, but in the text of Scripture, the root may be a noun, a verb, or a modifier.

Eraoe is the root word from which from which we get our word erotic. Typically this word is used in a negative sense in a conservative Christian context with the idea being that of lust (or desire in more positive context). Liddell & Scott’s Unabridged 1883 Greek Lexicon defines the word as “to love… properly of the sexual passion, to be in love with.” In Esther 2:17, the Septuagint uses this root to describe the King Ahasuerus’ love for Esther who he would choose to be his queen. The root word/idea is also used in the Septuagint in Ezekiel 16:33 to describe the inordinate relationship that Jerusalem had with foreign nations, symbolically illustrated as illicit lovers. Hosea 2:5 uses this concept to describe the unfaithful wife’s pursuit of her lovers. The reason for pointing out these references is not to show the negative context (of the latter 2 especially), but to show the physical aspect of this kind of love. For the King Ahasuerus, the emphasis seems to be on the physical attraction of Esther that drew him to her. For the other two, these were both inappropriate relationships outside of a marriage covenant. Bishop Trench’s classic Synonyms of the New Testament surmises that the absence of this root in the New Testament “is partially explained by the way that the world had corrupted their meanings. These words had become so associated with the idea of sensual passion and carried such an aura of unholiness about them that they were not used in Scripture.” This is a valid consideration. However, we must also remember that Hebrews 13:4 tells us that “marriage is honorable in all, and the bed undefiled.” 1st Corinthians 7:2-5 informs us of the physical companionship that Christian husbands and wives should have. The entire Song of Solomon, when interpreted literally, is a picture of physical love that exists in a God-ordained union. The Scriptures repeatedly use the phrase that a man “knew his wife” in reference to the physical relationship existing in a marriage. In the book of Proverbs, Solomon warns his son to reject physical love with a strange woman, but to embrace it with his wife. The Old Testament is full of illustrations of a normal, healthy, physical relationship between a husband and a wife. In the marriage context, erotic love is God-ordained and good.

Phileoe is the root word for affection and endearment. It is the idea of friendship. One of the clearest usages in the N.T. is in John chapter 11 when Mary and Martha sent word to Jesus to tell Him that Lazarus, the one who Jesus “loved” was sick. The same word is used in John 11:36 after Jesus wept at the tomb of Lazarus and the spectators acknowledged how much he “loved” him. In Luke 11:6 the word refers to the “friend” who has travelled and arrives needing food after a journey. In John 3:29 the idea is that of the best man at a wedding. As it relates to marriage, it is seen in Titus 3:5 in that the young wives are supposed to “love” their husbands. I consider this to be the most normal aspect of the marriage relationship. A typical husband and wife will spend time together at home, at the store, at restaurants, at church, with relatives, in the vehicle, at children’s activities. It is not uncommon for a spouse to say of their partner that “he/she is my best friend.” This is as it should be. Personally, there is no person with whom I’d rather spend time than Carol. She is the first person that I talk to when we wake up in the morning, she is the last person that I talk to as we go to bed at night. She is the person that I text more than anyone else. We frequently call each other through the day, sometimes to sync our schedules, sometimes to solve a problem or discuss an issue, sometimes for advice, and many times because I need encouragement and just want to hear her voice. When I come home at the end of the day, hers is the first voice I want to hear. Her slightly shy and mildly mischievous smile that has meaning for me that it holds for no one else – greets me multiple times through the day! She is my biggest supporter, motivator, and encourager. I talk to her about things that I do not discuss with anyone else. She and I share problems and successes. I like her. I want to be around her. I would choose her over anyone. Though this affection will sometimes lead to eraoe (physical) feelings and responses, it is a distinct love that occupies most of our time together. She is my best friend.

Agapaoe is the sacrificial and selfless part of love which was so clearly demonstrated by God through Christ in redeeming us from sin by His work on the cross. This word is used in John 3:16 when God “so loved the world…” This is the word used in John 13:34 in the new commandment that Jesus gave to us through His disciples that we love one another as He loved us.” People will know that we are His disciples when we have that kind of love for each other. It is the word used in John 17:23-26 to describe the love relationship between God the Father and God the Son and the relationship into which we have been invited! You might think “how is the love between the Father and Son sacrificial?” Their love is untainted by sin and selfishness. It is the word in Galatians 2:20 in which Paul says Christ loved him and gave himself for him. It is the word used repeatedly in 1st John to indicate the kind of relationship that Christians should have with each other if the love of God is really in them. As it relates to marriage, it is the command given to husbands in Ephesians 5:25-33 to love their wives as Christ loved the church. In Colossians 3:19, it is given as a command to husbands to love their wives and to be not bitter against them (the indication from that final instruction is that it is possible and sometimes happens that husbands are bitter against their wives). This kind of love is sacrificial; it is selfless love. This is love without an expectation of a return. This is the choice to love someone when they are at their most unloveable. This is the discipline to endure with and for someone even when the physical love and the friendship are not tangible. This is what makes a man love a wife who has been disfigured by accident or disease. This is what causes a spouse to endure in a marriage that has been corrupted by the sinfulness of the other. In a less radical sense, this is the reason a husband or wife will embrace the idiosyncrasies or the quirks of their spouse. This is what motivates a woman to love her husband as the Lord helps him overcome his temper. This is how a woman can be patient as her husband learns to make his family his priority. This is what causes a man to love his wife when she purchases something he thinks she shouldn’t have. This is what causes a man to love his wife when she isn’t ready on time or makes them late. This is what causes spouses to love each other when one or both are sick, or are aging and losing their youthful appearance. This is why spouses stay together through the trials of finances, health, children, vocation, etc. This love endures. Spiritually, this is the realization that a spouse’s responsibility is to use all of their energies to help perfect and prepare the other to stand before the Lord in eternity.

So what does this all mean? Marriage is not just made up of one kind of love. In fact, a normal marriage should have all three different aspects; physical, friendly, and sacrificial. It is likely that when a marriage fails, the different aspects of love have not been cultivated. I believe that when each of the three kinds of love is nurtured in a marriage, it will endure. At different stages in the marriage, each of the different nuances are going to be manifested. Each kind of love is important and even indispensable, but for the Christian, the love that makes it last is the sacrificial and selfless love which the Lord commanded in Ephesians 5. My wife is my lover, she is my best friend, and she is my sister in Christ and a joint heir of the grace of life. If you want a healthy marriage, you should work on all three!

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