This is partially a review of a few books. I know that I normally write brief reviews on Facebook for different books that I have finished. However, I have read several books in the last couple of years that I feel warrant a more in depth article than just a few words on a Facebook post.
I saw a video of a preacher years ago declaring from his pulpit that “it’ll be a cold day in hell before I learn theology from a woman.” Such an attitude is un-Biblical; I’m glad that Apollos didn’t have that demeanor (Acts 18:26). King Lemuel certainly learned much from his mother (Proverbs 31). Solomon exhorted his son to give heed to the “law of thy mother.” I’ve learned theology (or the application of it) from my grandmothers, from my mother, from my mother-in-law, from my wife, from my daughters, from Sunday School teachers, school teachers, and college teachers.
The following books have all been written by women. I don’t agree with everything in them and I’m not necessarily endorsing or recommending them. I am endorsing the idea that men can learn from a woman and should read books written by women. It is important for men to learn and respect the way that women think. Peter instructed Christian husbands regarding their wives to “dwell with them according to knowledge.” (I’ll give a fuller explanation of 1st Peter 3:7 a little later.) Peter’s inspired words teach that a husband is to co-habit or live with his wife with wisdom and an understanding mind. Even more so, learn the way his wife thinks (women are not all the same).
The books are these: 1) An Affair Of The Mind by Laurie Hall. 2) Gay Girl Good God by Jackie Hill Perry. 3) The Great Sex Rescue by Sheila Gregoire, Rebecca Lindebach, and Joanna Sawatsky. 4) The Woman They Wanted by Shannon Harris.
An Affair Of The Mind. This book expresses the struggles a wife endures when her husband is addicted to pornography. The book was published in 1996 and I don’t know anything about Laurie Hall now, or if her marriage ultimately survived. In the book, she details the emotional struggles that she endured: guilt, inadequacy, betrayal, anger, fear, indecision, etc. and et al. It would be good for young unmarried men and for married men to see the mental anguish that they would bring upon their wife with an affair of the mind. This book would not have been as effective if written by a man.
Gay Girl Good God. Jackie Hill Perry grew up in a nominally religious environment, but due to family situations became distrustful of men as an adolescent and so her affections were turned towards women as a teenager. She later trusted Christ and left her former life and eventually married a man and has children and ministry with him. Her perspective here helps to demonstrate the devastation and complication that is brought on girls/women when men are abusive. She also reveals that change is a journey and accomplished in grace.
The Great Sex Rescue. The women who wrote this book did not do so out of a crisis. They wrote it out of a desire to see husbands and wives enjoy intimacy in the way and with the freedom that God designed. Secular culture and conservative Christian culture have varying ideas of what sex is supposed to be. Normal men and women have different ideas of what sex is supposed to be. Christian men and women have different ideas of what sex is supposed to be. The value in this book for Christian men is that it is written by Christian women. Unfortunately, not every husband and wife are experts in communication and they may struggle with explaining their needs, fears, dislikes, etc. Sometimes communication is a struggle. Having a woman, who is a good communicator, explain the way women think and respond and feel can be a tremendous benefit to a man (who may not be a good listener).
The Woman They Wanted. This book is the one that motivated me to write this article. Shannon Harris is the ex-wife of Joshua Harris, the author of the once popular book I Kissed Dating Goodbye and then followed it with Boy Meets Girl. Shannon Harris’ book is sad. I’m sad for her. I’m sad for Joshua, I’m sad for their children. I’m sad for all the people that looked to them as the “how to” couple and now have been thoroughly disappointed. I do want to make it clear that I was not ever one of those who followed or taught Joshua Harris’ beliefs.
The subtitle of Shannon Harris’ book is Shattering The Illusion Of The Good Christian Wife. Her story is candid and authentic. She did not come from the same kind of conservative Christian background that Josh did. How they ended up together is a bit of a mystery. However, she fell in love with him and basically conformed to his expectation (and his pastor’s) of what kind of wife she should be. She acknowledges that for nearly 20 years she lived the kind of life that she did as a Christian wife and a pastor’s wife out of sense of duty and expectation. She never did reveal whether she had a genuine conversion experience with Christ when she began attending church as a single college graduate; she now questions whether there even is a God.
My caution with the book, while still attempting to empathize with her situation, is that the manipulation which she describes in her life is not the attribute of genuine Christianity. Men manipulating women and controlling women and using women – is the attribute of humanity, not spiritual and Christ-like men. Shannon Harris, unfortunately, experienced it at the hands of unspiritual or ignorant men who claimed to be Christians. It seems worse when it comes from nominal Christian men because they are expected to show grace and to love their wives as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for it. I’m sorry for her, but the fault is not with the Bible or with true Christianity, but with selfish men who use religion wrongly.
So why do I have this book on my list? Because it would be good for Christian men to see the danger to which they are subjecting their marriage when they view their wife as anything other than a joint heir of the grace of life. Though I believe Shannon Harris was mistaken in attributing her situation to Christianity, rather than to sinful humanity, her perception is her reality. Her perception is also the perception of countless women – and we have to work with people’s perceptions. Men, reading this book will help to guard against looking at your wife objectively.
The reason that I have written this is so that men will be challenged to obey the inspired instruction of Peter in his first epistle, 3:7. ”Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honor unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.” The first instruction is basically that we are supposed to live with our wives intelligently. That means for me to learn her person, her strengths, her weaknesses, her likes and dislikes, her opinions, her visions and her dreams, her expectations and her anticipations. It means to listen to her. It means to seek to be her partner as much as she is expected to be mine. I have been guilty of thinking that our life is the same as my life and that her life is my life. When Paul spoke to the Ephesian husbands and wives and told them to “submit themselves one to another in the fear of the Lord,” his point was that there is a joint submission to the marriage relationship. The husband, in God’s design, is the head of the home, but he must be submitted and committed to the relationship as much as the wife is.
The second phrase in 1st Peter 3:7 is one that immediately causes consternation from women, “giving honor unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel.” The idea of this is that the husband is to show deference (respect) to his wife as the more tender partner in the union. Generally speaking, God’s design of male and female follows that pattern. Emotionally and physically, men and women are different (neither is better or worse, but complimentary). Weaker = tender in this context. Illustration: if a child gets hurt, the mother is typically the compassionate one while the father says, “shake it off!”
I’ve already referenced the phrase “as being heirs together of the grace of life.” This phrase deserves your meditation. In the eyes of God, in the gift of grace, in the sacrifice of Christ, in her value to His church, in the exercise of her gifts in the church, in her value to a Christian home, the husband and wife are joint recipients of God’s grace. Just because I am a man, a pastor, a husband and father in my home, does not mean that I have a monopoly on a relationship with God. I hear my wife pray. I see her open her Bible and ingest God’s Word, I see her respond under Spirit-control in difficult situations. I say assuredly that God is as alive and active in her as He is in me. I often think that she is more spiritual than I am.
Peter’s final phrase in verse 7 is “that your prayers be not hindered.” Get it! When a Christian man does not live with his wife intelligently, when he does not honor her as the woman that she is, when he does not remember that she is an equal heir in the eyes of God, his prayers will be hindered!
This is why it behooves us, men, to read books every now and then that are written by women. You can learn many things from them. It might make your marriage much easier and undoubtedly will make your life much happier.
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Levi Deatrick 
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